Hey sexy babies!
(If you’re looking at that thinking “that’s it, Ellie’s finally lost her damn mind”, don’t worry! It’s a lyric from Taylor’s new album, which is apparently a 30 Rock reference - the more you know.)
Today’s newsletter is brought to you by the fact that we’ve got a new TV. Our old TV was the size of a laptop screen, so we ended up usually just watching TV on our actual laptop instead. Now we’ve swapped it for a TV-sized TV, and I’ve been forced to confront a truth I’d denied myself for over a decade:
I’m actually really bothered about watching TV.
“I don’t really watch TV, I’m just not bothered about it!” was something that tripped off my lips frequently, when anyone asked if I’d caught x programme. And I believed it, too! Like a FOOL! But the present situation has forced me to accede that actually, not watching TV was self-preservation, an impressive feat of self-control. In reality, I can’t be a casual consumer of anything, and when I do watch TV I get far too invested, far too quickly.
Then I remembered I wrote a blog post about this last year, when the same thing happened with Community, so — if it’s ok with you! — I’m going to repost it here, because the community (pun intended) we’ve got here has rather grown since then.
p.s. pre-orders are open for the final time before Christmas over on the shop, from now (25th October) til 1st November (that’s next Tuesday)! Click the button below to shop - perfect for all the enthusiasts in your life (including, you know, you.)
Another day, another obsession. This time, it’s cult American TV show Community, which we’ve binged in about a week (only a decade late!!! I think it’s gonna be big!!!).
Knowing that they’d watched it and enjoyed it, I was telling some friends about my new found love last week, when I said something along the lines of “I literally cannot deal with how much I adore it, you know?”
“People always say that,” my friend, ever the sanguine philosopher, replied, “but what do they mean? You can, very literally, deal with it.”
The thing is, though - I’m not so sure I can. To paint you a picture, my friend has his Shit Together. He does the type of big baller job that I don’t understand, something to do with trading, and he is cool, calm and collected. I very much believe that he can literally deal with things, whether he loves them or hates them.
I, on the other hand, often do feel completely overwhelmed by it. When I unearth something new that I love, it takes hold very, very quickly.
When I say “I can’t deal”, I don’t mean I’m embarrassed. In certain contexts, the phrase can signify “I can’t deal with the awkwardness or mortification of this”, but that’s not the case here; I’m not embarrassed in the slightest about my love for Community, or many of the other things I fall head-over-heels for. In other contexts, the phrase belies something more existential - that I literally cannot deal with life today. Though I certainly have my moments, that’s not what I mean here either.
So what do I mean when I say, with no hint of sarcasm or hyperbole and only the tiniest millennial twinge of literal-means-figurative-now, that I can’t deal? What I mean is that the speed at which this new thing has integrated and become a central part of my life has become something akin to warp. That I have gone from watching no TV to doing nothing but watching TV after the work day is over - and that demarcation is only because my partner works a ‘proper’ job which renders him unable to watch before at least 6.30pm. That I’ve gotten so invested in the characters that I’ve googled selective synopses because I simply can’t wait to watch it unfold in real (10 years late) time, which then leaves me stuck with the knowledge but unable to share it because my partner doesn’t want the spoilers (selfish!).
And whilst this may sound OTT, it’s a totally normal course of action for me when I love something. It’s a pretty simple process, with only 2 stages: initial discovery, and then total immersion. This is, of course, about as disorientating as it sounds; a week and a half ago I didn't even know what Community was, but now it’s a world I feel like I’ve always been a part of.
It probably won’t surprise you to hear that this has become a running theme with me and hobbies. If you’ve been here for a while, you’ll remember I went from reading 5 books in 2020 (and that’s a generous estimate) to 100 in 2021. But rather than feel excitement at the number of brilliantly creative authors having released incredible books that I want to read, I just feel nausea at the amount of books that exist in the world that I haven’t read yet. Worse, I actively detest the fact that I know I could spend every second of the rest of my life reading only books I wanted to read, and I’d still never get through them all. Intellectually, I know this is scintillating; emotionally, it feels suffocating.
And I think that’s what I mean when I say I can’t deal - I can’t deal with the fact that I’ve lived 25 and a bit years without this in my life. There was BC, Before Community, and now I’m in AD, and I can’t help but wonder how I spent the BC years with any sense of purpose or meaning. And now, with that purpose and meaning, I have to spend the AD years somehow making up for lost time.
So when I can’t deal with my love for something, what I actually mean is I can’t deal with the fact that at some point I never knew it existed, much less had it in my life. (Have I overthought everything to an existential degree during the pandemic? Obviously yes!) I literally cannot deal with how much I love my passions, but also - I wouldn’t have it any other way. As the famous quote says: better to have loved and lost out on the time when you didn’t know it existed, than to have never loved at all…
*edited and condensed — if you can believe — from the original version here
Here’s a little window into what I’m enthusiastic about at the mo…
01 lusting after
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and based on the reaction the DIY tiramisu bar I went to had, you’ll feel the same.
02 currently reading
Mercury Pictures Presents by Anthony Marra (afflink). I picked this upon a whim in the library because it had a recommendation from Celeste Ng, and I’m loving it so far! He has so many beautiful turns of phrase.
03 wishing I wrote
this Seasons of Work article on reconnecting with your inner 10-year-old. Oh wait! I did! I love writing for other outlets and please do slide in to the DMs or inbox if you’d like to chat!!
04 whipping up
butter. Like, I literally made butter. I am SO excited about it - and you best believe it’ll be hitting your inbox soon enough…
05 listening to
Money by STONE. Heard it on Clara Amfo’s show on Radio 1 and quickly became obsessed - it’s got big indies night in da clurb circa 2013 energy, which is my fave energy of all.